Happy Holiday

A Mini- Rubber Chicken that lays an egg when squeezed- re-insertion required; an unfortunately- shaped 'Magic Bubble Dispenser'; a Moody Face- cheaper to fill a stocking with No Gin; Jumping Beans- as usual less active than S Club Seven; Tangle- a 'great to fiddle with' toy that makes me regret replacing the cord on the iron: Light-Up Disco Pen: to remind you that Youth is Gone; the expectation-defining Come-Back Roller, push it away....and it returns;  Groan Tube (i know,i know, Superfluous), actually described as 'infuriating'. No wonder Santa doesn't want to do this himself. Less of an Elephant, thundering towards us, and more of a Fully- Animated Buckaroo Horizoning (it's a Coalition word, i mean to get mileage out of it) -Christmas is Coming. Pick another date, anything, the tenth of April, say- a date Quite Near when Shakespeare was born, but not, you know, actually that date, and then forget about Shakespeare. Go shopping, Now. Don't read the read the rest of this, there's no time, you need to Cash-Out on Fripperies. As many as you can fit in your saddlebags- this is a prescient word considering what's coming for your thighs- and as much as possible of what you purchase must Defy Use. And Keep Eating. Theme the eating in some way : Food you Don't Mind Finding at the Back of the Cupboard in July is a good one. It's largely irrelevant- at the last Moment some Smart Arse will pop up and suggest you have a Thai Shakespeare, or persuade you to add Guava to your Nut Roast, and you'll be left sobbing over the memory of a bowl of discarded sprouts. In the Name of Shakepearemas, you will have to dress small children as 1970s Rock Gods, dig out a protractor in the hope of getting your egg sandwiches to measure up to Nana's at the Playgroup Party, light up the front of your house so that it outshines the rolling news display you can see on your neighbours' flat-screen  from the other side of the street Every Morning, and Eat Dates. With a little stick. (Hang onto the stick, you will need it for stabbing yourself in the eyes when they turn the Festive Telly on. ) Oh and everything should sparkle. And some one probably spent time choosing me that Self-Waxing Kit, and writing that card, arranging to meet for a drink, texting, ringing. And it might snow, and children seem to like it i guess. I suppose it is the only time of the year i'm guaranteed to see the Wombles. Go on then i will have that sherry, ta- and a home-made Mince Pie? Curried? Great.