Doing it for the Kids.

They have changed the Precept of the National Lottery. Handing over a bunch of your Hard-Earned that you could have spent on Fags and Justin Bieber Print Pillow Slips in the hope of being given a Whole Heap back under the scheme hereby known as Buckley's, is No More. Instead, what you will now be required To Do (don't panic, it still isn't Get a Job and Save up for the Things you Want) is to root around in the back of the dry Goods cupboard for Superfluous Pasta and Tinned Items, which you will hand to our representative, grudgingly, and then pay for the chance to win them back. Not you, Mother, that is Out of Date. You can't just stick a draw ticket on last year's unwanted Christmas Body Butter, i'm afraid, because the Magic doesn't Happen unless you are in a School Hall, surrounded by Hysterical Primary- Age Kids, and Trying Not to catch the eye of the woman on the Home-Made Card Stall, because she might cry. Have a Cup of Tea and a 'free' cake. Free like 'Free Schools', yes. You made that cake and now you've just paid for it, but you aren't a Penny better off.  Just as in Cameron's Big Society, how delightfully ironic. There's no point trying to escape- or Not To Arrive, for that matter: your Six Year-Old has made a Bird Feeder out of a Yoghurt Pot and a quart of Pork Scratchings and written her Name on it in Biro and now you have to find it and buy it or she'll be snotty when she sees Santa. Talking of which, Start Queuing. Santa IS free- Real Free, like, um,  National Lottery Grants. The Photo will cost you a quid though- you can't use your own i'm afraid, you have to have a form for that.  There, now every one is arguing because they each want one another's Gifts. You can go home now, see you next year- ooo a ticket with a 5 on the end, Pickled Herring, you're a Winner!