Crackers

It would be fair to say that Town is a little empty this morning, No Doubt due to the Completely Clear roads and Cloud-Free skies. Likewise all the schools are Shut, on the thinking that the kids were only going to be having Fun today anyway and that this is the UK so this can safely be postponed until they are old enough to have sex. Or we vote the Tories out. Boots actually have a sign on the Automatic Doors saying 'Closed due to staff shortages, prescriptions only'. Though if there are enough staff for one in the Dispensary and one on Special Door- and- Frowning- at- the- Public- Duty, surely they could just let me in for my shampoo if I promise only to require one checkout at once. In the Co-op they have been so Client-Free that Fag-Counter Lady is clearly quite jealous of Till Girl, interacting with some one other than Aled Jones or Slade, and tries to join in the conversation as we walk away. When i plough into the same 'Wet Floor Warning' as i did on the way in, the Atmosphere of Joyful Bonhomie turns a bit Titanic. For various reasons, headed up by my having forgotten to book a Christmas week Tesco Slot in March, i am shopping with the Ex-Mr Alison, with whom i will also be spending the big day, At My Parents. We decide i will need Gin, and he will need Port. At some point we realise we have not bought presents for one another. We drive to the Local Garden Centre where last year the Talking Reindeer had such a profound effect on Three and Joyce that for months they would not go back, in case 'the Goat Head starts singing again.' The lads clearing the Car Park have been alone at Ice Station Zebra for so long that when i ask if it is open, they look confused, and a bit upset, like when Nick Clegg is asked why Vince Cable is in the Naughty Corner for Telling the Truth. The women inside are Delighted to See Real People, and when we actually approach the counter with purchases, they offer to Gift Wrap it.  'Is it for you, or a present?' 'Erm,' Protocol escapes me for a change. Also Tact: 'actually, we've split up but he has to buy me a gift for Christmas Day or my mother will be upset. I'll pay, then he can get himself a Coffee Maker later.' She pauses, and looks at us, then says, decisively: 'I'll put it in some Bubble-Wrap, to be on the Safe Side.'