In A Place of Fear

The Biggest Risk To the NHS is Doing Nothing.
Thus spake David Cameron, today, in another of his Carrollian Utterances that make the Receiver think he or she has just opened an Especially Poor Novelty Audio Greetings Card. 'We need a Big Society, not Big Government', 'You are an Analogue Politician in a Digital World', 'You Have to do a Bit of Bopping from time to time.' (Yes, honestly.) There is a huge gap in the market for greetings cards for Folk You Don't Think Much Of, now that Purple Ronnie is harder to come by. Self- Dispensing Drugs Trolleys- they would be Quite a Big Risk to the NHS, i imagine. Um, i know, what about No Trained Nurses and only A Man qualified in First Aid and a Vet arguing over who was highest ranked, as Really Truly Happened at Penrhos Sports Day last Year: that would mean the NHS was Quite At Risk. Oh, and what about one of those Zombie Viruses? You know that start off taking out all the minor league characters and then move on to actors you once saw in Harbour Lights, until only Ewan McGregor stands between Mankind and having to pay to keep babies on incubators alive by remortgaging your house and bankrupting your family until the End Of Time.
What i have Obviously missed, by listening to Radio 1 Extra for a fortnight (Big Up Twin B) is Ed Miliband's new policy 'How we will solve the problems of the NHS by doing nothing.' Perhaps he had a little pre-policy joke on, by Not Making a speech. Or perhaps no one has suggested Anything of the Kind, and this is another of those Distraction Techniques the Tories like so much- 'Under this Government, No World War.' 'Say Goodbye to Tiger Cross-Dressing now Dave's in charge.'
So, there isn't enough money to do all the things we would like our medical service to do. Let's Tax for More then. And let's spend less on Management, and on Celebrity Chefs to tell us that patients will Get Better Faster if they eat less Jelly and More Apples. Lets lay off that Think Tank we are presumably funding in Southampton Uni to tell us that sometimes dirt is germy, and just wash the walls in ICU a bit more often. Let's see what Claire Raynor said we should do, and do that. Naive, Socialist Top-of the-Head Toss-Offs? Course. But still better than the Current Proposal- hand over the cash to our GPs and let them decide who gets it done in Shrewsbury General, and who gets Flown to Florida for the Weekend. My brother once arrived at his mate's house to find our local doctor making a hat out of a fox. He did live there, he was the mate's dad. bet this doesn't make you want him to decide if how much Chemo he can afford to send you for though, does it? Time to take up golf and start losing to your local Practice Manager in case that dicky hip needs replacing.
Right, sponge down the focus groups, Now is the Time for Action, Not Reaction (paraphrasing, Dave). Rebranding is Imperative. We can't call it the NHS any more, clearly, as it won't be National, or a Service, and using the word health might make people think they are sick, in the way that mentioning homosexuality to children makes them um, no i must have got that wrong somehow. Just referring to it as a Total Fuck Up has a certain pithy ring to though, admittedly it might get depressing quite fast, a bit like not having drugs to control your MS, because Dr Badger-Scarf has spent all his pennies on Third Class Relics. So i propose Fiasco, it has a Comedy Carry-On air to it, that will be more than welcome when you're sat on a trolley in the corridor trying to remove your own spleen - the Logo can be a Picture of Nye Bevan pushing Andrew Lansley into his recently vacated grave.
Protest. Write Letters. Send E-Mails. Phone your MPs office- the Biggest Risk to the NHS is Doing Nothing: you know it's True, David Cameron Said So.